the beginning of an end

I’m not sure that my younger self would’ve liked who I am today. That’s okay with me, though, because I’m not that much of a fan of my younger self. After all, I am confident in the person I am now, so this is a testament to how I have transformed throughout high school. 

Before I say anything else, I would like to note that throughout my life, many fundamental things about me have stayed constant. For example, my love of jello and also for better or worse, my stubborn attitude. The essence of who I am remains untouched. Still, my personality underwent a makeover. 

Entering Troy High School, I thrived off of academic validation. When I was satisfied with myself, it was because I had a higher chair in orchestra or I saw that I had better grades than my classmates. In that sense, I was very much a result-oriented person. It didn’t occur to me that I should enjoy what I was doing so long as I performed. In fact, I believed that it was okay for me to hate practicing cello just because I was decent at it. I did Student Government despite how boring I thought it was. In addition to that, I never had a clear sense of my own identity. Often I would think of myself as “gray” because I was never “this” or “that”, I was always “ I don’t know, maybe this”, “sometimes that”. It’s because of this that despite me working endlessly, there was no passion I was working towards. Perhaps that is why I continued to do cello and Student Government–because I didn’t have something I loved to replace them with. My lack of self-clarity led me to be unconfident, mentally stable, and miserable. Because of this on top of other factors, some of my worst days were during early high school. 

It’s not that I’m bashing my younger self. It’s not that everyday I was unconfident and miserable. I understand that I was inexperienced and still growing as a person. However, overall my lifestyle was not particularly happy. 

Leaving Troy High School, I’ve discovered how much more enjoyment life has to offer. It was the confinement of the COVID-19 lockdown that allowed me to self-reflect and explore what I wanted. As someone who hated playing the cello and still did it everyday, it was easy to lose motivation to practice after no longer needing to play at school. I was realizing that life was too short to not be doing what I loved, even if at the time I didn’t know what that would be. Eventually and finally, I officially decided to quit cello for good after sophomore year. During sophomore year the time I devoted less to cello went into tennis instead. For the first time in my life, I found myself enjoying practice. 

These experiences are why I follow and trust my heart. I don’t need external validation. I don’t need someone to tell me that I am smart or impressive. I live not for others, but for myself. The fact that I had found something I loved gave me the self-confidence to do what I wanted. Finding strength and passion within myself empowered me to try new things and step outside of my comfort zone. Having vague interests in business, I decided to join DECA junior year. Everytime I did a DECA role play, my heart would start pounding, but I loved the thrill. Joining was one of my best decisions, because DECA has largely influenced my path towards finding a career I’m truly passionate about. Because of DECA and tennis, some of my best days are during high school. 

Simultaneously, I became increasingly laid-back. In contrast to planning every hour of my life from wake-up to sleep (this is not an exaggeration), I have learned to let go of my need for control and organization. I learned to live in the moment more, consequently overthinking less. Realizing that the present is the only thing I have control over gave me purpose and focus. However, I realize that now at times I let go of myself a little too much. I focus a little too much on the present. Freshman year me would have been appalled, but the current me is okay with that. 

It’s because of my journey in high school that I will never believe the saying that “people never change”. Many things about me have remained the same, but the confidence I gained with my passions have totally changed my outlook on the potential of life.